


The Hardest Part Has Just Begun

by fudekitsune



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Drug-Induced Sex, Drunken Confessions, Drunken Kissing, Dubious Consent, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Realization, Rescue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-21 04:06:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4814327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fudekitsune/pseuds/fudekitsune
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a mission goes awry and Daniel is subjected to a harrowing experience, Jack becomes involved in the aftermath and, in the process, realizes that his relationship with Daniel has gotten complicated. As he tries to process this, things quickly begin to heat up between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for sensitive topics, emotional hijinks and explicit material.
> 
> Takes place sometime between season 2 and season 6. Choose your favorite location.
> 
> Comments and feedback are always welcome!

Jack looked up from the coffee pot as Daniel came around the corner wearing a freshly pressed pair of pants and running a towel over his hair. He paused in the doorway. Jack could see the brief moment of panic pass over his face, but Daniel recovered quickly and continued into the kitchen.

“Hope you don’t mind,” Jack said. “I thought we could both use a cup.”

“Sure. Thanks.”

Jack watched Daniel’s back as he opened the refrigerator and gazed inside. The skin of his shoulders was still angry and red from what their captors had done to him a few days before. He wondered if the shower had burned.

There must not have been anything inside the refrigerator that Daniel really wanted, because he shut the door after a few seconds. Jack turned back to the coffee maker quickly and opened the cabinet above his head to pull down two cups. He suspected that the search for food had simply been an excuse not to look him in the eye.

He poured coffee for both of them and turned around with mugs in hand. He smiled briefly and held one out. “Here you go.”

Daniel glanced at him, then took the cup gingerly, holding it high near the rim to avoid burning his fingers. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Jack took a quick sip, trying to cover the awkwardness he felt. He couldn’t help but watch Daniel, especially after the night before. He wanted to say something, but he knew that anything he could say would probably make everything worse, and it was already entirely too sensitive a situation. His first instinct was to lighten the mood, but that, too, seemed like the wrong thing to do.

Daniel sat down at the table, and Jack decided to join him. They both kept their eyes on their cups when they weren’t sipping from them. Eventually, the tension got to him; Jack leaned back in his chair and let out a long sigh.

“Listen—.”

“Jack, please don’t--.”

“No, just listen, all right?”

Daniel dropped his head forward with his jaw set tight but said nothing. Jack cleared his throat.

“I’m not going to drag this out.” How could he when he felt as uncomfortable as Daniel looked? “I just have to ask…do you want to talk about it?”

Daniel responded with a bitter laugh and turned his cup between his hands. “Not really.”

Okay. I mean, I get it if you don’t want to talk about the mission—.”  He paused when Daniel pushed himself back in his seat with a shove and turned his body away from Jack. It hurt a little that he would turn away, but Jack understood. In the past, he had been able to do or say something to help, however pathetic it might have been, but this time…. This time he was damned well in the middle of all of it, and he was pretty sure Daniel didn’t want to be in the same room with him, never mind divulging his feelings. “But last night…?”

“Last night was about the mission, too.”

Jack clamped his mouth shut. He pursed his lips and nodded as he looked down into his cup. He could see his eyes reflected in the white glass.

“Right.” He pushed his coffee away and slid his seat back from the table. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I know you didn’t want to do what we did. I know it was just the leftover drugs. But I hope….”  He paused again, looking for the words. “Well, I just hope you’re better. You shouldn’t have to go through any more of this crap.”

Daniel had a tendency to come back from difficult situations without losing his sense of self. Jack had often been a little jealous of that ability, not to mention grateful. He wanted Daniel to remain as optimistic and cheerful as always. He didn’t know if that was realistic, but at that moment, it was his deepest wish.

He stood up and left the kitchen, trying not to imagine what Daniel must think of him. He didn’t know how the last seventy-two hours would affect Daniel’s ability to work, but there was a definite possibility that there would be lasting damage to their friendship. It was Jack’s fault that they had been captured during the mission, it was his inability to take care of his team that had resulted in Daniel’s abuse, and it was he who had been there last night to help Daniel work through the last effects of the drugs he’d been given. But the way they’d had to work through it—it hadn’t exactly been gentle, and it hadn’t exactly been something either one of them had wanted. They’d done it because the alternative might have been worse, and because he was tired of seeing Daniel suffer due to things outside his control.

His boots were by the door, and he leaned down to slide them on. He tightened the laces as quickly as possible; years of having to be quick and efficient made it easy. He had his hand on the door and was about to pull it open when he heard his name.

“Jack, wait.”

He turned. Daniel was behind him, not close enough to touch, but close enough that Jack could see the uncertainty on his face. He waited, and he could see that Daniel wavered even as he started to speak.

“I’m not angry with you. It’s just this entire situation.”

Jack swallowed. “I know, Danny.” He held his breath and waited.

“I wish.” Daniel looked at the ground and ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated sigh. “I just wish it hadn’t had to happen that way. It isn’t…wasn’t…what I wanted.”

Jack frowned and let his hand slide away from the door. “I know that, too, and I’m sorry. If I hadn’t come over, it wouldn’t have gone down like that.”

“No, that’s not what I mean.”

“Then what?”

Daniel shook his head, and Jack recognized the unmistakably tense expression he wore when he couldn’t get an idea across. But this time, he realized, there was fear in his expression, too.

Concerned, he stepped forward. “I’m not upset, if that’s what you’re worried about. I mean….” He waved his hand, “Yes, I’m upset about what happened on the planet. I’m worried about you. And I’m sorry about…what I had to do to you, but I’m not….”

“Freaking out?”

Jack smiled, even laughed a little. “Right. I’m not freaking out.” He tilted his head. “Are you?”

Daniel’s hesitation worried him. “Daniel?”

“No. Sorry, no, I’m not freaking out. I’m just—.”

“Just what?”

Daniel sighed and swallowed, seeming to give up. He turned away, walking back into the living area and dropping himself onto the couch. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his forehead propped against his knuckles.

Jack followed him and sat on the arm of the sofa, bending his knee against the cushions so he could face his friend. He wanted to sit closer, to put his hand on Daniel’s shoulder, but there were limits. Especially after the last few days. “Talk to me.”

Daniel sniffed and rubbed his hands together. “I don’t want to talk about what happened on the planet. Not right now. I’m just not ready.”

“Okay. When you are ready, I’ll listen if you want me to.”

“Thank you.”

“But that’s not what’s bothering you right now.”

Daniel nodded, bit his lip, and said, “You’re my friend, right, Jack?”

Jack glanced around, bemused. “Of course I am. I wouldn’t be here if I weren’t.”

Daniel tilted his head so he could see Jack from the corner of his eye. “I know. What I’m trying to say is, we’re friends, but for a while now I’ve had…feelings. Strong feelings. About you.”

Jack shrugged. “That’s always been fairly obvious. You’re not exactly shy about expressing your strong feelings, whatever those might be.”

Daniel couldn’t help but laugh. “That’s true.”

Jack watched him, noticed the difficulty he was having in expressing himself, and realized what was being said. “Oh. Oh, you mean….”

Daniel winced and nodded quickly. “Yeah. Like that.”

Jack was stunned. He couldn’t help but get up and start pacing. “Jesus. Danny, _Jesus_.”

That explained a few things, though Jack realized that, even with the signs, he’d been blind. True, he’d developed a deep affection and admiration for Daniel, and he had believed Daniel had felt something similar for him, but beyond that, he had never given it any thought. He had certainly never considered what that could mean for someone whose emotions were so much closer to the surface than his were.

“Daniel, I don’t know what to say.”

Daniel was steadfastly not looking at him yet again. “It’s okay. I mean, I don’t expect—never did expect— anything. I never would have done anything about it, either, but after what happened, I just didn’t want you to misunderstand what I was really upset about.”

Jack sat down again, closer this time. “I get it. I mean, I think I do. And thanks. I probably would have thought it was because…you know.”

“Because last night was—.”

“Incredibly fucked up?”

“Yeah.”

Jack smiled a little, but it didn’t last long as he realized just how much worse that must make it for Daniel. To finally be with the person he was interested in, but under such bad circumstances and with the knowledge that he was doing it out of a sense of rescue rather than mutual interest. He had no idea how to make this right. “Daniel….”

Jack reached out tentatively and placed his hand on Daniel’s shoulder. He felt the other man go very still, and he stayed that way as Jack’s hand moved across the bare skin of his back, carefully avoiding the marks of the beating he had received. “Listen, I need to think about this for a while. You’re going to rest, right?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine here.”

“You know you can call me if you need to. I’ll come right over.”

Daniel scoffed at that, and Jack was reminded that what happened the night before had been a direct result of Daniel calling him over.

“Forget about last night.”

“I don’t know if I can. It wasn’t exactly my best moment. It sure as hell wasn’t how I imagined we’d ever….”

“You _imagined_ us?”

“What else was I going to do? I certainly wasn’t going to walk up to you and ask if you were interested.” Daniel ran his hands through his hair again with a groan. “God, this is messed up. I’m sorry, Jack. I’m just so sorry.”

Jack let his hand drift up to the back of Daniel’s neck and squeezed gently. “Hey. None of this is your fault. If anything, it’s mine. You were my responsibility back there, and I screwed up. You got hurt, and now….”

“Now you know something you shouldn’t. A lot of things, actually.”

Jack ignored the implication. “I’m glad you told me. Really.”

Daniel turned his head, finally looking back up again. He still had that fearful look in his eye, but it was tempered with familiarity. With having gone through so much together that they couldn’t help but understand each other. “You’re sure you’re not freaking out?”

Jack shrugged. “I’m okay as long as _you’re_ okay.”

Daniel stared back at him and shook his head with a grin. “Honestly, you’re full of surprises.”

“Also, witty comebacks, in case you ever need one.”

That got Daniel to laugh, and Jack felt some of the weight on his heart lift.

On impulse, Jack moved his hand up into Daniel’s hair. It was damp from the shower but soft. He ran his fingers through it and brushed his palm over Daniel’s ear.

“Jack?”

Daniel was gazing at him with curiosity and a little uncertainty. Jack shrugged and pulled his hand away. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He sounded surprised more than anything.

“I’m going to head out,” Jack said. “But I just want to know one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Why did you call me last night and not Doc Fraiser? She probably could have done something for you that didn’t involve…you know.”

Daniel shook his head. “I didn’t want anyone else to see me like that. Besides, what if she _couldn’t_ do anything? She would have called you anyway, and then what were we going to do? Decide who got to fuck me in the infirmary bed?”

Jack winced. “Yeah, okay. I see your point.”

Daniel let out a breath. “I guess what I’m saying is, I called you because I trust you. I knew you’d help me no matter how difficult things got.”

Jacked nodded. _How_ he’d helped Daniel was something he’d need to think about, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about Daniel’s implication that he had known what Jack would do, but he was right. Jack had been willing to do whatever it took to help him, and always would.

“Jack?”

“Hm?”

Daniel’s brow was deeply furrowed as he asked, “Have I messed things up royally between us?”

“Of course not.”

“Really? Because, the sex aside, I just told you I have romantic feelings for you, and you’re not really reacting to that.”

Jack had to admit, he had him there. “Yes, well, we can talk about that later, after you’ve gotten some rest. If you’re worried I’ll be uncomfortable when you get back, don’t be.”

“ _I_ might be.”

“Well I’m not sure how to help with that except to say you don’t _need_ to be.”

Daniel looked absently across the room. “Business as usual?”

“More or less, yeah. I just have to, you know, process all of this. But don’t worry about it. You sure you’ll be okay if I go?”

“Yeah. I’m just going to sleep for about a week.”

Jack nodded. “Good. That’s what you need to do.”

He put his hand on Daniel’s shoulder again and squeezed gently as he stood up. “I mean it. Call me if you need anything.”

“I will. And Jack? Thanks. Seriously.”

“No problem, Danny. See you soon.”

*****


	2. Chapter 2

“Colonel? Have you heard from Daniel lately?”

Jack looked up from his mission notes and saw Carter standing there, looking anxious. He nodded before turning his attention back to the folder. “Yes, I spoke to him a couple days ago.”

“Really? I’ve tried calling several times, and he hasn’t picked up.”

“When, today?”

“All week, sir.”

Jack inhaled and held it a moment, trying not to jump to any conclusions. “It’s possible he just doesn’t want to chat. He still has a few days off, and I know he’s avoiding the counselor Fraiser wants him to see. Probably best if we just leave him alone.”

Carter looked unconvinced. “Are you sure, sir? He was really, well, roughed up, so to speak.”

 _So to speak_ , Jack thought.

“I just wouldn’t want him to be alone too long. What if he needs help and doesn’t think he can call us?”

“I told him he could call anytime. But if it makes you feel better, I’ll try to get in touch with him after this briefing. Happy?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you.”

Jack nodded and pretended that his attention was still focused on the notes in front of him. Using Sam’s concern for Daniel as an excuse to check up on him was handy. He’d been thinking about him all day—all week, really—and had been trying to decide whether an unexpected visit would be welcome.

He’d given some thought to what had happened between them. Certainly, no one could ever find out about it. That was out of the question. Daniel would want that as much as he did.

What both terrified and intrigued him, however, was how unaffected he felt by it. He should have been bothered. He should have been confused, or at the very least, a little awkward. But he didn’t feel that way. He supposed he could chalk that up to simply having done what needed doing at the time to get them both out of a bad situation.

But then there was Daniel’s admission. On one hand, it hardly seemed surprising that Daniel, with his sensitive nature, could feel as he did. On the other, it was damned unexpected.

The strange calm he felt when he thought about the last couple of days, and about what Daniel had told him, was immensely frustrating. He wanted clear cut feelings; whether they were acceptance or fear or whatever else didn’t matter. He didn’t like not knowing his own mind, and he wondered if this lack of reaction, as Daniel had called it, merely meant he was avoiding the matter on a deeper level.

Well, that seemed pretty likely now that he thought about it.

He had considered the events of that night several times while trying to work out his feelings. He knew he wasn’t aroused by what had happened; the situation had smacked of force despite both of them agreeing to participate, and he didn’t like that at all. Add to that the knowledge that, under different circumstances, Daniel might have welcomed an advance wholeheartedly, and all he knew for certain was that thinking about it anymore would make him downright nauseous.

If anything had become clear, it was that he felt angry, and that, at least, was something he understood. If it were up to him, he’d go back to that last planet and blow everyone away. For what they’d done to his team, for what he’d had to do because of them, for hurting Daniel not only physically, but by taking away what should have been a pleasant fantasy and turning it into a hellish reality.

That’s what his feelings toward Jack would have remained had the incident never happened. Daniel himself had admitted that he never would have said anything, never would have approached him with the truth. Jack couldn’t blame him for that. In his place, he would have held back, too. Meaning that whatever Daniel had imagined, whatever scenarios he had cooked up in his head, had been effectively destroyed by what had really gone down.

And that pissed Jack off the most. Maybe nothing would have ever come of it, but at least there would have been that hope for Daniel. At least, in his mind, if something ever _had_ happened between them, it would have been enjoyable, desired. Hell, it would have been awesome.

Jack blinked at that thought and found himself wondering how he would have handled things if they had been less frantic, less fraught with pain for Daniel. If they had had time, if they could have moved at a more reasonable pace, he might have been able to make it good for them. He imagined touching Daniel, kissing him, and having the younger man respond with pleasure instead of frustration and discomfort.

It was a nice thought. Very nice, he realized. But it never would have happened.

 “Colonel, are you listening to me?”

Jack turned around and saw General Hammond standing behind him. “Sorry, sir. I didn’t hear you.”

“Are you all right?”

Jack nodded. “Just thinking about going to visit Daniel. Carter was concerned that he hasn’t been picking up the phone.”

Hammond pursed his lips and nodded. “Well, in that case, maybe you should go ahead. I’ve decided to hold off on the next mission until his return in any case. If there’s anything we can do, I assume you’ll let us know?”

“Absolutely, sir. Thank you.”

“Good. I’ll leave you to it, then.”

“Yes, sir.”

*****


	3. Chapter 3

He’d knocked several times, but there was no answer. He tried again, harder, then waited. He couldn’t hear anything on the other side of the door.

He made a fist and beat the door hard. “Daniel? You in there?”

He glanced around, certain the neighbors would wonder what was going on. Oh well.

“Daniel?” He banged against the door once more. When nothing happened, he grabbed the doorknob with an irritated sigh. Unexpectedly, it turned.

He pushed the door open and stepped inside cautiously. “Daniel?”

He moved further into the room, turning the corner into the living area. To his surprise he saw Daniel simply lying on the couch, asleep.

He looked relaxed, his face smooth and his breathing even. His arms were crunched together tightly in front of him, but his legs were splayed haphazardly across the sofa. Jack smiled and looked around. Everything seemed in order.

Well, he supposed he could make coffee again.

“Jack?”

He looked down and saw Daniel staring at him with sleepy eyes. He took a deep breath and looked around before pushing himself up on his elbow.

“What are you doing here?”

“Carter was concerned. I guess I was, too. And maybe I should be, if you leave your door unlocked like that. Seriously, anyone could just walk on in here.”

Daniel pushed himself into a sitting position and ran his hand over his face. “Apparently.” He reached over to the end table and grabbed his glasses, then slipped them over his face. “What was Sam worried about?”

“Um, you.”

“Yes, but _why_?”

“She said you hadn’t been picking up her calls.”

“Well, I did turn my phone off so I could sleep.”

Jack nodded and tucked his hands into his pockets. “For the whole week?”

Daniel looked up with what Jack could only call his smart-ass expression. “Well that is what I said I was going to do the last time you were here.”

Jack smiled. “I suppose you did at that.”

He held out his hand to Daniel and waited. The younger man looked at it thoughtfully, then back up at Jack with some curiosity, but he eventually took his hand and allowed himself to be hauled off the sofa.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Lunch?”

Daniel considered it, then finally nodded, “Sure.”

*****

“You really shouldn’t put Carter through the stress, you know.”

Daniel smiled over his sandwich and shrugged. “Not my intention. I just didn’t feel like talking. It would have inevitably led to uncomfortable questions and everyone feeling awkward afterward.”

“Yeah, I hear you. How’s the food?”

“Not bad, actually. Pickle’s a bit too salty, though.”

Jack nodded and ate another French fry while Daniel downed a healthy helping of water.

So far, they had managed not to talk about anything important. Jack wondered how much of that was just them getting comfortable with each other again, and how much was deliberate avoidance.

Daniel didn’t look any different than he had before. He certainly wasn’t acting unusually. Of course, Jack knew what it was like to pretend to act like everything was normal when it was anything but. Still, Daniel wasn’t as good a liar as Jack was most of the time, and he didn’t appear to be hiding anything. He did seem to be enjoying that sandwich, and Jack couldn’t help but smile at that.

Daniel noticed. “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You say that, but that’s not a ‘nothing’ look on your face.”

“I’m just glad you’re all right. Really.”

“Okay,” he said slowly. “You might want to tone down the concern. It’s getting weird.”

“Shut up and eat.” Jack tapped his foot on the ground for a few seconds while he flipped fries into his ketchup. He finally followed with, “You are, though, right? You’d tell me if you weren’t?”

Daniel half smiled, breathing in through clenched teeth and setting down his food. “This really isn’t the place.”

“You’re right, I know. I’m sorry.”

Daniel looked at him for a few more seconds, running his teeth over his lip, and finally sighed. Jack watched him carefully and was surprised to find that he didn’t even look particularly annoyed by the questioning.

“When I say I’m okay, I mean that, yes, I’m still struggling with what happened. I still think about it. I think about….” he cleared his throat. “About you, sometimes. “

Jack couldn’t help but grimace. He opened his mouth to say something, but Daniel raised a hand.

“I’m okay, but I’m not perfect. I’m not settled with everything, not yet. But I’m fine. I promise. I know you’re all there for me if I need you, but I’d like to deal with it on my terms.”

“Sure, I get that.” Jack pushed the remnants of his coleslaw around his plate. “I think Carter’s just a little worried that you might be trying to deal with it on your own when you don’t have to. And you haven’t gone to see that counselor like you were told to.”

“Well, first of all, please let her know that’s not the case. When and if I need to bring someone else into it, I will. And, second of all, no.”

“They’re going to insist before you come back to work.”

“I said, no, Jack.”

Daniel went back to eating, and Jack went back to watching. He could understand Daniel’s reservation about talking to a professional about what had happened to him. Jack had had the same reaction when he’d been given similar orders in the past, albeit for different reasons. But that didn’t mean it wasn’t worth the time. It didn’t mean Daniel didn’t need it.

He tried not to be overt about studying Daniel, but it was difficult not to stare. His perspective on the man had changed just a fraction. It was like he was seeing him through a new lens. Of course, observing him didn’t help Jack figure out his own thoughts and feelings. If anything, it was making them more muddled.

It actually felt less natural to be interacting with Daniel in an ordinary outdoor setting, on their own world, at a sandwich shop. It felt more bizarre than seeing the man against the backdrop of an alien sky or the interior of a highly advanced space ship. It was just normal, everyday life, with the sun shining and the traffic humming.

It felt a little weird, and part of him wanted to hustle them both back to someplace where he could feel that things were getting back to the way they should be. Back to business. Back to the carefully constructed team they had assembled, where there was nothing between them but life and death and all the ordinary frustrations of exploring the galaxy one planet at a time.

Jack knew that was selfish. Wanting to forget everything that had happened might have been nice for the both of them, but it wasn’t realistic. And it wasn’t fair to pretend that it hadn’t happened. That made it seem like what Daniel had gone through was unimportant. It was anything but unimportant. At the same time, he didn’t want to make it a big deal or blow it out of proportion. That wasn’t his call. If Daniel wanted to deal with it in his own way, in a low-key way, he could and would respect that.

But it was really hard.

He supposed he should be thankful. Daniel seemed to want to keep a lid on Jack’s involvement. He seemed to want to ignore what had been confessed, as well. Maybe that was in Jack’s mind; maybe Daniel wanted to talk about it later, in a less public place. But something about his friend’s behavior told him that he was carefully avoiding bringing it up again or even alluding to it. It wasn’t difficult to guess that Daniel was afraid of whatever conclusion Jack would eventually come to, or what that conclusion might mean for their friendship.

Jack wanted to reassure him, but he didn’t want to bring it up out of nowhere. He certainly didn’t want to bring it up at some café. It was better left for later. In fact, it was probably better left for when Jack himself had a better handle on his thoughts. But, if he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to come to any conclusions without Daniel there in front of him, even though having him there made the whole thing that much more difficult.

Or maybe it didn’t. When he was there, looking at Daniel, it became pretty clear that he would do whatever he could for him. For all the times that they had fought or disagreed, there were more times when Jack was happy that Daniel turned out to be right or pushed when he should have kept quiet. There were plenty of times when he was just pleased to see the excitement in Daniel’s eyes over whatever happened to be of interest at the time. It wasn’t always convenient, and those same things certainly didn’t get _him_ excited, but he was happy that Daniel was happy.

What would make him happy now? Letting it go? Not asking uncomfortable questions? Jack had no idea.

“You’re starting to look a little green.”

Jack realized he had been staring down at his food for a long time, and Daniel’s expression indicated a measure of concern.

“Sorry.” Jack leaned forward and grabbed his soda. “That last bite didn’t go down so well.”

Daniel looked unconvinced but said nothing else.

“So…let’s grab some drinks and head back to your place. What do you say?”

“I say it’s not even two in the afternoon. Bit early to start getting tipsy, don’t you think?”

“Nah, Hammond has us standing down until you’re back. Relaxation is good. Come on.”

He paid their bill, though Daniel insisted he could pay for himself, and they started toward the nearest convenience store until Daniel reminded him that he wasn’t much of a beer drinker.

“Good grief. Fine, I’ll hit the liquor store and buy you some cider. How about that?”

Daniel looked a little perplexed. “You know, you came out here wondering how I was doing, but now I’m starting to wonder about _you_. Anything you want to say?”

“Cider, yes or no?”

“Um, yes?”

“All right then. So just hush up for a minute and let me drive.”

*****


	4. Chapter 4

Jack realized too late how bad an idea this had been.

Daniel was lying haphazardly on the couch with his third bottle almost empty. For the past half hour, he had been explaining the agricultural achievements of the Etruscans. Jack hadn’t tried to stop him. Well, that wasn’t exactly true; he had tried, but Daniel had outright ignored him. Big surprise. On top of it all, it appeared that an excess of alcohol made the man talk even faster than usual.

Jack, for his part, had ended up sitting on the floor, leaning back against the armchair across from the sofa. Daniel had pointed out that sitting _in_ the chair would probably be more comfortable, but he had insisted that he was fine just where he was.

Jack inhaled deeply. “Daniel. _Daniel_.”

Daniel stopped talking long enough to lift his head and look over. “What?”

“As entertaining as this is, can we talk about something else?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. Just something. Anything. Preferably something that happened in this century.” Jack opened a fresh bottle and tipped it back. Bitterness washed over his tongue, and he gulped it down happily.

When he looked at Daniel again, realizing the litany of information had ended for a greater length of time than usual, he found that he was being stared at a little too intensely for comfort.

“What’s the matter?”

Daniel’s jaw worked for a moment, and Jack had a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“Daniel?” he said slowly.

“I, um, was just thinking we could talk about….” He cleared his throat and waved his finger, indicating the two of them. “But maybe that’s a bad idea, what with the drinks and all.” He shook his bottle and smiled weakly.

“Ah, yeah.” Jack responded cautiously, knowing this could go completely sideways. “It might not be a good time.”

“Or…or….” Daniel raised his hand and blinked several times. “This could be the _best_ idea. How likely are we to seriously talk about this while we’re completely sober?”

Jack opened his mouth and then paused. He nodded his head a few times. “That’s a legitimate question.”

“So then we should.”

“I’m not saying that.”

Daniel pushed himself upright and slid down off the edge of the couch. He moved into the center of the room. Jack couldn’t help but scoot back, though he couldn’t go very far with the chair in the way. Somehow, having Daniel closer felt more dangerous than having him a couple feet away.

“Just hear me out,” he said.

“Oh, here we go.”

Daniel lowered his head and set his bottle on the carpet. “Jack,” he said softly. “I want…need…to talk about it. But I’m, how should I put this…?”

“Scared?”

“Terrified.”

Jack’s eyebrows went up, and he watched Daniel carefully. He took in the downward tilt of his head, and the death grip he had on the glass bottle. It made his heart twist a little. “Okay. I’m listening. But if we’re going to do this, I think I need another drink, and so do you.”

Daniel laughed. “I couldn’t agree more.”

*****


	5. Chapter 5

They’d had not just one additional drink, but two. Daniel was looking more than a little blurry-eyed, which caused Jack to watch him all the more carefully, just to make sure he didn’t fall over.

But they hadn’t actually said anything yet. They just kept sitting there. Once in a while, they’d look at each other, and Daniel would obviously _want_ to say something, but a single glance at Jack caused him to clam up again.

As much as he didn’t want to, he was going to have to be the one to get the party started.

“So,” he said. “Are we going to do this?”

Daniel looked up, suddenly nervous. “This?”

“Talking. You said you needed to talk.”

“Oh, right.” Daniel let out a quick breath.

“You don’t have to.”

“No, I…I do. I’m just not sure where to begin.”

“Okay. How about this? I’ll ask a question, and you answer it. Can you do that?”

Daniel looked at him steadily, though he blinked a lot. “Yeah, I think so.” He took a quick drink. “You might not like what you hear.”

“Probably not, but don’t let that stop you.”

Daniel nodded. Deep down, Jack wondered if this was the right thing to do. He wanted to help Daniel, but he was crap at talking about feelings. The day after their return, they’d discussed things about as seriously and openly as they ever had, and even that had been pretty roundabout and without any real conclusion. This was going to suck for both of them for a lot of reasons, but he was willing to stick it out. And if they needed liquid courage to make that happen, well, they wouldn’t be the first.

“So, the planet. You want to start there?”

Daniel groaned. “No. But ask anyway.”

Jack nodded and purposefully softened his voice. “I read the report, of course.”

Daniel stared at the floor. “Of course.”

“When they took you away, they fed you something that made you….” Jack tapered off as he searched for a way to put it gently. “How did you put it?”

“Highly aroused.”

“Right. It was some kind of drink?”

“Yes. I thought it was wine at first. Or maybe it was, and the drug was added. I don’t know. I can’t really describe the flavor. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever tasted off world.”

Jack laughed a little, and that, luckily, made Daniel smile.

“You said it took about an hour or two to start working.”

“Right.” A flush rose up in Daniel’s face that wasn’t entirely due to the alcohol. “I, um, didn’t know what they’d given me. I mean, my temperature had risen, and I was feeling unusual, but it wasn’t until I was in close proximity with someone that I felt the sudden….” He bit down on his lip a moment and then said, “The sudden lust. And, of course, the pain. I could have resisted the one, but not the other. There’s no way to describe how much it hurt.”

Jack didn’t want to risk saying anything. Daniel was good at relating even his most difficult experiences with an academic distance; it was another one of those enviable skills he had. But Jack could see that, this time, it wasn’t quite that easy. He avoided Jack’s eyes; he’d been doing that ever since the mission went wrong. He couldn’t blame him. Jack could only imagine how difficult it was to describe the events without feeling pitied or judged.

At that thought, he realized that Daniel _was_ looking at him, searching his face for signs of…something.

“You don’t want to hear this. I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Jack shook his head and reached out a hand, patting Daniel’s wrist. “I’ll be fine. Let’s get through it.”

Daniel nodded.

“You were in pain. How did you deal with that?”

Daniel laughed bitterly. “I didn’t, really. All I could do was lie there and hope it would go away.”

“But it didn’t.”

Daniel shook his head. “No. I did my best to resist. I thought they wanted to question me, to find out more about us, our codes or weapons, but they didn’t want any of that. It wasn’t an interrogation. They just wanted me to have no other choice but to be obedient. To be at their mercy.”

“And when you realized that?”

“When I realized that by giving in I wouldn’t be putting anyone in danger, I just stopped fighting it. Like I said, I could have dealt with the arousal, but not the pain. And if I could make the pain stop without risking any of you….”

“Daniel?” Jack reached out again, this time placing his hand over Daniel’s wrist and leaving it there.

Daniel’s eyes were suddenly red rimmed and a little watery. He forced himself to continue.

“The worst part is, I begged.” He fisted his fingers into his pants and gripped them tightly. “I begged them to take the pain away. But I swear, I didn’t know what that meant at the time. I thought it was just a matter of an antidote to whatever they’d made me drink. Something that would counteract the chemical they’d given me, but that’s not what….”

“Slow down. Take a breath.”

Daniel nodded and inhaled deeply. He untwisted his hand from his pants and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry. I think the alcohol is making me more emotional.”

“That’s the point, isn’t it?”

“I guess so.” Daniel took another deep breath and squeezed his eyes tight before opening them again. “Anyway, I found out soon enough that sex would stave off the pain.”

Jack clenched his jaw. He really didn’t want the details of how that discovery had come about. “Did you know why?”

“Not at the time, no. I mean, I wasn’t really focused on the why at that point. Doctor Fraiser thinks it had something to do with the release of endorphins. As long as they were present in my system, I was pain free, but once gone, I had to do it again to get any relief.”

“Does that even work if you’re not doing it of your own free will?”

Daniel shrugged with a frustrated sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know. We’re really just guessing. I’m certainly not going back to ask.”

Jack grunted in the affirmative. “So you only drank the stuff once?”

“No. Two, maybe three times. The effects only lasted a few hours, but by then I would have needed to be with at least two people. Or the same person twice, I guess. That happened, too.”

Jack was back to being angry. He tried not to show it; he didn’t want Daniel to think he was angry at him. But it was hard. Damn hard. And he really didn’t want to ask any more questions. “Was it usually just two?”

“For the most part. They liked to drag it out.”

Jack swore. He couldn’t stop himself.

He had very clear memories of finding Daniel after they’d escaped with the help of one of the servants. He’d been lying, unclothed, on a raised portion of the floor. A cloth had been draped over his hips, but it appeared to be there more out of happenstance than out regard for Daniel’s modesty. His back was red and bruised where he had clearly been beaten—out of failure to be obedient, Daniel later explained. But that wasn’t what had bothered Jack at the time; a beating wasn’t an abnormal occurrence on a mission gone awry. What bothered him was what the rest of the scene had indicated, and what was later confirmed through Doctor Fraiser’s examination and Daniel’s report.

“I’m sorry I got you into this.” Daniel looked at him, half smiling, with genuine regret in his eyes. “I should never have called you the other night. I should have just kept you out of it.”

Jack frowned. “To what end, exactly? So you could lie around hurting for who knows how many hours? As it is, I can’t believe Fraiser let you out of the infirmary.”  
  
Daniel looked a little sheepish. “Well, the fact that I lied might have something to do with that.”

“What do you mean, you lied?”

“Well, Fraiser did find some remnants of the drug in my system, but I insisted I was fine, and that it never lasted more than two hours at a time, so I was in the clear. But that was….”

“Wrong.”

“Yeah.”

“Why the hell would you do that?”

Daniel ran a hand through his hair and raised his voice a fraction to match Jack’s. “I _told_ you why. I knew what was coming. I didn’t want to be there when it did.” He sighed. “It would have been humiliating.”

Jack closed his eyes. “I get it, but I wish you’d let her try. She might have at least been able to put you to sleep until it wore off so you didn’t have to go through it again.”

There was a pause, then Daniel said, “Maybe you’re right. I know that would have been a relief for you.”

“This isn’t about me, and I’m not accusing you of anything.” He sighed. “It’s not like you were thinking straight.”

“No, I definitely wasn’t. I just couldn’t see any other recourse at that moment.”

Jack was tired of drinking, so he put his bottle out of the way and sat there with his arms draped over his knees. He wasn’t asking the really hard questions. So far, everything he’d brought up had already been in the reports, more or less. He knew he was avoiding asking the deeper questions because he wasn’t sure how he’d deal with the answers. It was completely selfish, and he knew that, too.

But he did have one pressing question that had been eating at him. “So, let me ask you this. When did you first, you know, start having feelings for me?”

Daniel half smiled. He looked tired, worn out. “It began after you helped me through the sarcophagus withdrawals. You’d seen me at my worst and been there for me. I guess I sort of took that to heart.”

“Wow. That’s definitely been a while. I can’t believe I had no idea.”

Daniel rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, I tried not to broadcast it, of course, and you’ve been a little preoccupied with Sam.” He glanced up quickly and waved his hand. “Not that I’m saying you and Sam wouldn’t be great together, regulations aside. But I admit, I’ve been a little jealous sometimes.” He glanced away. “Maybe even a little hurt, though I know I shouldn’t have been.”

“Daniel….”

“It’s okay. I know you’re an ordinary guy, so to speak. It’s not like you’d normally look at someone like me and think, hey, that’s what I want.”

Jack didn’t know how to respond to that, though he was vaguely aware that it didn’t ring true, so he said, “And what about you? What makes you so open to the idea?

“Um, I guess I’m what you’d call heteroflexible.”

Jack raised his eyebrows. “Hetero-whatsit?”

“Heteroflexible. Meaning I generally prefer heterosexual relationships, but I’m open to the possibility of a same-sex relationship. And I _may_ have participated in one in the past.”

Jack took his glance to the side as an indication that “may have” meant “definitely did.” “Isn’t that the same as being bisexual?”

“Well, no. That would imply that I give equal weight to relationship possibilities that include either gender. But in my case, a decision to pursue another man would mean that I find him somehow exceptional.”

Jack grinned. “So I’m exceptional. I guess I should take that as a compliment.”

“Don’t get too egotistical about it. And, strictly speaking, I never actually pursued you, so….”

They sat in silence for a few moments after that, fiddling with warm drinks they no longer wanted. Jack would have suggested that they abandon them and do something else, but he had no idea what. He was just beginning to think things were becoming a little uncomfortable when Daniel laughed.

“What?” he asked.

Daniel rubbed the back of his neck again with a lopsided smile. “I just realized how embarrassing all of this is.”

“You, too, huh?”

There was no doubt in Jack’s mind that Daniel deserved someone better. For both friends and lovers, he could do leaps and bounds better than a jaded Air Force colonel. He deserved someone who shared his interests, who was just as awed by minor or unusual things as he was, who loved the things he loved. Someone who wasn’t afraid to show what they really felt for him, to love him back.

And yet, for whatever reason, it was Jack he had feelings for. He didn’t understand it—truly couldn’t comprehend what would make him a worthy candidate for Daniel’s attention. Sure, they had been through a lot together. They had survived situations that should have been impossible. They’d worked together a long time and become familiar with one another’s quirks. Daniel knew that Jack had his back, and Jack knew the same about Daniel, but that didn’t account for why Daniel might fall for him.

Then again, if people understood why they fell for anyone, life would be a hell of a lot simpler.

Daniel’s glasses were slightly askew, and Jack reached over, intending to straighten them. Instead, he found himself pulling them off, folding the arms shut, and placing them on the chair behind him. Daniel looked at him, bemused, and started to say something, but Jack cut him off with a raised finger.

“Just…give me a minute.”

Jack inhaled deeply and watched Daniel’s curious expression as he tried to make himself understand what he was about to do. He knew he wasn’t going to stop himself, but every bit of logic in his head told him to get up and walk out of the room before he made an enormous mistake. After all, this wasn’t like him, this wasn’t a good idea, and they could both get into mountains of trouble. But he ignored those thoughts. In fact, he was surprised at just how _easy_ they were to ignore.

A moment after he leaned in, Jack saw Daniel’s eyes widen. He worried, briefly, that he was misreading the moment, or that Daniel wouldn’t be ready for this sort of thing yet. He paused just short of touching Daniel’s lips to give him the opportunity to back out, but he said nothing. He simply sat there, rigid, watching Jack.

He took that as a go ahead for the time being and pressed his lips against Daniel’s. It was a test, partly to see how it felt, and partly to see how Daniel responded. At first, he did nothing, and the worry in the back of Jack’s mind gnawed a little harder. He put one hand on Daniel’s thigh, stroking it softly through the fabric of his pants. The other he placed against his head, running his fingers through his hair and lightly gliding them over his ear.

As the kiss lengthened, the tension in Daniel’s body relaxed. He leaned toward Jack, putting more force into the kiss and opening his mouth slightly, giving Jack the option to explore a little deeper if he wanted to. He took that opportunity, and Daniel made a soft noise that felt as nice as it sounded.

The many excellent reasons he had to stop and run away continued to fade further. The longer he kissed Daniel, the more he found that he wanted to _continue_ kissing him. He was warm and familiar, and tasted just the slightest bit sweet. It was the best kiss he’d had in a while, too, and he didn’t want it to end.

Jack shifted his position carefully so he was sitting on his knees and could move closer. Daniel responded in kind, and when Jack pulled him close, he leaned in without resistance. Jack felt a moment of hesitation when he began to guide Daniel down to the floor. It could all go wrong if this was too much of a reminder of the other night. At the same time, he knew this situation was completely different. There had been no kissing then, that was for sure, and very little of anything else that hadn’t been fast and frantic and entirely outside their control.

Daniel allowed himself to be pushed down onto his back, but when he was finally lying on the floor, he turned his head away. Jack paused.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah. I just need to catch my breath. You?”

“I’m good.”

Jack realized for the first time that Daniel hadn’t touched him at all. Even now, his hands were straight out at his sides, picking at the carpet.

“You can put your hands on me, you know.”

Daniel looked a little embarrassed, but he nodded. He raised his hands slowly, placing one palm against Jack’s arm where it crossed over his body, and the other against his hip.

“I didn’t want to make it too personal if this was just drunk kissing.”

Jack smiled. “You know, the thing is, I’ve never done anything drunk that I wouldn’t have done sober. I just did it with fewer reservations.”

Daniel smiled, and Jack was relieved to see some of the nervous uncertainty leave his features. When Daniel reached behind his head to pull him down for another kiss, he felt almost giddy.

This kiss was harder and faster. Jack found that, after a while, thinking about what they were doing was no longer an issue. Thinking, in general, was well out the window, in fact, and he was perfectly fine with that.

He ran his hand over Daniel’s stomach and found a small gap between his shirt and waistband that revealed a warm line of skin. His fingers lingered there for several seconds before he slid them beneath the fabric.

Daniel inhaled deeply and turned his head. Jack shifted his attention to Daniel’s neck, kissing the tight muscle that led to his collarbone. He could feel the rise and fall of Daniel’s chest beneath his hand and hear the swiftness of his breath next to his ear. He could admit to himself that he liked it—hell, he loved it—and it was definitely affecting him.

“Jack?” Daniel’s voice was soft but deep.

He kissed him again with a short, “Hm?” in response, then ran his lips across Daniel’s jaw and kissed him just beneath his ear. That garnered a noticeable reaction as Daniel dug his fingers into Jack’s arm.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but where is this going?”

That was a good question. Jack really hadn’t thought that far ahead. “Where do you want it to go?”

Daniel lifted himself slightly off the floor to catch Jack’s mouth. He breathed deeply as he kissed him, then fell back down to the floor and blew out a stuttering breath. “No idea. You kind of caught me by surprise.”

Jack nodded as he fingered Daniel’s hair with one hand and drew invisible patterns on his stomach with the other. When he reached down and unbuttoned the waistband of Daniel’s khakis, followed by easing down the zipper, Daniel blinked. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Jack kissed him again and hoped it was reassuring.

Daniel inhaled sharply and bit back a groan when Jack shoved his hand into his pants and wrapped his fingers around his cock. He stroked him slowly and watched the minute changes in his expression. His eyes squeezed shut and his brows knitted together. His lips were parted slightly; Jack could hear the soft puffs of breath that blew between them.

It was a sight he could have enjoyed for a long time.

Daniel’s eyes opened, and Jack found himself staring directly into them.

“So you’re okay with this?” Daniel whispered.

Jack made a face. “Are you trying to kill the mood?”

“No, but this time is—different—than last time.”

“I’m not counting last time.”

Jack leaned in and kissed him deeply, as much to keep him quiet as anything else, and increased the speed of his hand. Daniel moaned into the kiss, and his hips bucked up. Jack slid one leg over his to keep him still, and Daniel mumbled in protest, but without much effort behind it. He gripped the front of Jack’s shirt and reached around his neck with one arm to hang on.

It didn’t take long for the soft breaths in Jack’s ear turn into soft cries, and there was no denying how those sounds were affecting him. Jack closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on Daniel’s pleasure rather than on the increasing arousal he felt, but it was difficult. His heart thumped hard in his chest, and the louder Daniel got, the more he wanted to do other things that might elicit further reaction.

_One thing at a time_ , he thought before kissing the spot on Daniel’s throat that appeared guaranteed to make him writhe in a way he found terribly appealing. He squeezed his hand carefully around Daniel’s cock and followed with a few longer strokes. That seemed to do the trick. Daniel’s fingers dug painfully into his shoulder, and he called Jack’s name with breathless urgency.

Wetness splashed his hand, but he kept going, albeit more gently, until Daniel’s breathing evened out and he felt a hand against his wrist, guiding him to a stop.

“Good?” he asked.

Daniel nodded. His eyes searched Jack’s face, and he responded with a smile before leaning in and kissing Daniel again. He realized how easy it was becoming, and how relaxed he was with the idea of lying there with his friend half beneath him.

He slid his tongue lightly over Daniel’s lower lip and felt him hum happily in return. “You know, this isn’t what I expected to get up to this afternoon.” He absently picked at the buttons on Jack’s shirt.

“Me neither.” Jack took a deep breath and slid his leg off of Daniel’s, trying to find a more comfortable spot next to him. “Can’t say I’m disappointed, though.”

Daniel’s hands stilled against his chest. “Really?”

 Jack nodded. “Really.”

Daniel shifted and pushed himself up on his elbow. “I don’t suppose there’s any chance you want to stay a while longer? Maybe overnight?”

As tempting as the idea was, Jack knew that would be a slippery slope. It would be too easy to say yes, and he was all too aware of where that might—or rather _would_ —lead given how he felt at that moment. He had focused so much on Daniel that he hadn’t given much thought to what he’d do for himself. That fact was brought home rather suddenly when a hand pressed against the front of his jeans.

Jack jerked backward and caught Daniel’s hand, pulling it away. “Don’t do that.”

“I’m sorry.” A flicker of uncertainty passed over Daniel’s face. “I thought….”

“I know, and trust me, I’m tempted. But not this time.”

“By which you’re implying there might be another time?”

Jack nodded, lifting Daniel’s hand between them and kissing his fingers. It took almost a full minute for him to let go and push himself into a sitting position. “I should probably go.”

Daniel looked lost for a moment, and Jack knew what he was thinking. But if he stayed, he knew he would take Daniel up on his offer, and he wasn’t quite ready for that. He had a suspicion that Daniel wasn’t ready for it, either, no matter how much he thought he wanted it.

He ran his palm across Daniel’s cheek and leaned in to kiss him again. “Help you clean up?”

“No, I’ve got it. Thanks, though.”

Daniel fell onto his back again and reached over his head for a long stretch. Jack watched him and, for a moment, reconsidered his decision to leave. There was so much more of Daniel to experience. He could spend the entire night running his hands over every inch of his body, finding out exactly where he liked to be touched. That was the kind of exploration Jack could go for.

He was on the verge of saying as much when Daniel ran his hands over his face. “Jack?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I should probably talk to Fraiser’s friend after all.”

Surprised, he nodded and rested his hand on Daniel’s knee. “Good. That’s good. Want me set it up for you?”

“Do you mind?”

“Not at all.”

Daniel pushed his hands into his hair and looked over at Jack with a sigh. “Thank you. For everything, I mean.”

“Sure thing.” He patted Daniel’s leg and started to stand up. “Let me help you up. I don’t want you falling asleep down there.”

Daniel accepted Jack’s hand and allowed himself to be hauled to his feet. Once standing, he fixed his pants and wiped sticky liquid from his stomach with the tail of his shirt.

 “This time, make sure you lock the damn door, please.”

Daniel laughed. “I will. I promise.”

“Good.” He couldn’t help but look at Daniel’s face one more time. Couldn’t help but reach out to drag his fingers over his cheek. “I’ll be in touch.”

Daniel closed his eyes with a slight smile and nodded. 

*****


	6. Chapter 6

Jack knew, without a doubt, that he was a colossal asshole.

He had been walking around the SGC for the better part of an hour, ostensibly on his way to Daniel’s office to welcome him back, but he was definitely taking the long way—the long, meandering way, where he could run into all sorts of people who might need his attention first. And yet no one did. Typical.

He couldn’t avoid it any longer. The door to Daniel’s office was right in front of him, standing open, as usual. He stopped a few feet away. He was not going to enjoy this.

He hadn’t called. After that very interesting afternoon they’d spent on the floor of Daniel’s apartment, he hadn’t tried to get in touch once. True, he had arranged for Daniel to meet with Dr. Barrister, as promised. But as far as a personal conversation went, he had done everything he could to avoid it. That had been five days ago. Five days for Daniel to sit around wondering about what had happened and what Jack was planning to do next. Five days for him to worry, as was his habit, or get angry, which would have been totally reasonable, in Jack’s opinion.

God, he really was an asshole. He couldn’t imagine that this was going to go well, but it was time to face the music.

He walked through the door to the most familiar scene possible. Daniel’s back was to him; he had a book in one hand and a dry-erase marker in the other. Jack didn’t know what he was working on, but it seemed suitably indecipherable from his point of view. If he hadn’t known better, he would have believed that none of the insanity of the last two weeks had ever happened.

He knocked lightly on the wall. “Daniel. Welcome back.”

Daniel turned to look over his shoulder, his eyebrows raised. “Oh, hey, Jack.” He smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Well, you seem busy.”

“Yeah.” He turned back to his work. “I figured I’d get in early and start catching up on some work.”

“Anything I can help you with?”

“No, not really. Unless you’ve suddenly remembered how to read Ancient and just haven’t told me.”

“Can’t say that I have.”

Daniel didn’t respond. He simply started writing again. Jack frowned. This wasn’t at all how he’d expected things to happen. In fact, this was all quite normal. Too normal.

“So, Daniel….”

“Hm?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“What for?”

“For—. Could you stop that a minute and look at me?”

Daniel finished writing the last word on the board before shutting the book with a snap and turning to face him. He looked patient and clueless as he waited for Jack’s response. It was—so annoying.

“I see we’re pretending it didn’t happen,” Jack said.

Daniel said nothing.

“Because I’m sorry, all right? I’m sorry I didn’t call or come by or—something. That was shitty of me, and I know it.”

At first, he thought Daniel would simply keep staring at him with the same unresponsive expression, but after a few more seconds, he sighed and squeezed his eyes shut before turning his attention to a tall stack of papers on his desk. Jack walked over to the table and watched him put the book down and rearrange the piles for no obvious reason.

“Jack, it doesn’t matter. It was a one off. I get that. So let’s just put it behind us and move on.”

Jack stared. “A one off? Is that something you really think I’d do to you?”

“Honestly?” Daniel pulled off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. “If it made you feel sufficiently uncomfortable, or if you came to the realization that it might put our work at risk, yes, I think you might.”

Jack felt a twinge of disappointment. “It’s not like that.”

“Look. When you didn’t call and didn’t come by again, I knew what that meant. So let’s just table this so we can go on with our lives like nothing ever happened between us. It’ll be easier for us both.“ He looked up, and Jack could see how tired he was. He obviously _had_ been upset about it, despite what he was saying.

“I don’t want to table it,” he said softly. Daniel sighed and looked down. “When I didn’t call, why didn’t you call _me_ and ream me out? I would have understood if you had.”

“Jack—“

“And, believe me, I know I deserve it.”

“Jack, really—“

“Come on, Daniel, it’s not like you’ve ever been shy about telling me when I’m wrong—“

“Because I couldn’t handle being rejected, _all right_?”

Jack stopped in surprise and saw that Daniel was just as startled by his own outburst. He saw him glance at the open door with a flicker of fear. Jack felt a surge of panic and turned to look, but no one was there. When he turned back, Daniel was leaning against the table to support himself.

“Things are different now,” he whispered. “It was one thing to be ignored before, because you didn’t know. If we had fooled around then, and you’d never mentioned it again, yes it would have sucked, but I could have shaken it off because you were none the wiser about how I really felt. But now?” He looked up, and the hurt in eyes was unmistakable. “Now you know, so frankly, not calling really _was_ a shitty thing to do. Because now it feels like you’re playing with me, whether you mean to or not. And I was certainly _not_ going to call and ask you about it. It’s one thing to know it happened and let it go. It’s another for you to tell me to my face that you don’t care about my feelings. So excuse me if I’d like to forget it and go back to work.”

The magnitude with which he had screwed up was suddenly much clearer. Daniel was right. It wasn’t like he was some stranger with no connection to Jack, or to whom Jack held no responsibility. He had confessed his feelings so that Jack wouldn’t experience any guilt over what had happened between them as a result of the mission, and now he had made an advance after the fact while being well aware of those feelings. His failure to offer so much as a reassuring, “Hey, that was fun, last night,” was just plain thoughtless. It wouldn’t be a huge leap, in Daniel’s mind, to think Jack was taking advantage of that without any regard for the fact that he felt something deeper. Jack knew he would never do something like that, and he had thought Daniel would know that, too, but things simply weren’t that clear cut once emotions got involved.

The problem was, he didn’t _want_ to forget it. Not being able to forget was part of what had held him back from getting in touch again in the first place. He had liked kissing Daniel, liked touching him, and had been trying to resist doing it again for both their sakes. It just wasn’t working out that way. If they hadn’t been at Stargate Command, he was fairly certain that he would be showing instead of trying to tell Daniel just how wrong he was. But that wasn’t an option here, and he needed to make this right before he walked out the door.

Daniel had gone back to rifling through papers in an attempt to let Jack know he was busy and didn’t need him to stick around. He’d seen that ploy before, but he wasn’t giving in to it this time.

He reached over and stopped Daniel’s hand by covering with his own. Daniel kept his eyes focused down, obviously not wanting a confrontation.

“Not calling had nothing to do with not caring and everything to do with how much I enjoyed being with you,” he said softly.

Daniel looked up, startled. “What?”

Jack took a deep breath and blew it out slowly so he wouldn’t rush through his next words. For good measure, he glanced over his shoulder to make sure they were alone. “I liked being with you. But you have to understand that this is different for me, and on top of things, it’s _you_. There are a hell of a lot of reasons why I should put the brake on things now and just take you up on the offer to forget about it. But truthfully? I don’t want to. I do, however, need to take things slowly, and I’m pretty sure that if I had seen you again before now, slowly is not how it would have happened.”

Daniel stared at him, open-mouthed, and Jack didn’t miss it when he swallowed hard. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah, well, I did sort of leave things a bit…”

“Ambiguous?”

“Yes. And stop finishing my sentences. It makes me feel old.”

Daniel smiled. “I’ll try.”

He nodded and realized he hadn’t let go of Daniel’s hand. He stroked it gently with his thumb, and Daniel turned it palm up. Jack laced their fingers together and felt a thrum of happiness in his chest.

“I’m okay with that,” Daniel said.

“Hmm?”

“Going slowly.”

“Oh, right. Good.”

A clamor beyond the door and overlapping voices in the hallway made Jack turn quickly. He tried to pull his hand back, but Daniel held on a second longer. He glanced at him with a warning and indicated the door.

“I know. Can I meet you later? Tonight?”

Jack blinked. “Sure. My place?”

“Sounds good.”

He held Daniel’s gaze briefly before they smiled awkwardly at each other and Jack backed out of the room.

**TBC**


End file.
